The Hippies Are Bullying Me

If a little boy pops out, we might have him circumcised. We could have his little, tiny penis put on the chopping block. A crazed, unreasonable doctor will manipulate the itty bitty foreskin and hack it off with a dirty razor, causing our newborn baby unimaginable pain and scarring him for life. I want to have a little boy circumcised just for the glee it will cause me to hear the infant scream.

Are you kidding me? That’s what you think a circumcision is really like? New-age pressure appliers need to get a grip and stop assuming that the only motivation for circumcision is perverse genital mutilation. Like everything else in life, it comes with a slight risk, but we would have a super expert doing it, a boob ready to pop into his mouth for comfort, and, honestly, newborns are less sentient to pain than most of the farm animals that we slaughter and consume for dinner. I’ll comfort him beyond reason every time he wails for whatever reason, but crying isn’t going to stop me from changing his diaper or enforcing naps when he is grumpy, so why would it stop me from catering to Partner’s preference for a boy to be circumcised like he was?

Partner is a gay man and an HIV counselor at a clinic that regularly hands the fresh news that they are positive to men who pop in for testing. He and his generation of queer boys have lost almost all of their mentors and elders to HIV and AIDS and I would not dare begrudge them hypersensitivity to HIV risk, including the recently publicized info that uncircumcised penises transmit STIs more easily. It’s a valid terror on their parts and an acceptable reason to enjoy the appearance of protecting their children just like every other parent in the history of the planet.

Sure, the little boy tots will loose some penile sensitivity, but when was the last time you made out with a man who had trouble orgasming due to a lack of foreskin rather than a lack of confidence? Most men aren’t really starving for more sensitivity in the cock area. And how about the Jewish community? Should we really be panning a long-held religious belief that doesn’t horribly disfigure the vast majority of the cherished and beloved wee ones who are subjected to it? Honestly, I think the just plain old nostalgia over the types of penises that Partner has had in his mouth and favorite porn is enough. If he has a son and decides not to circumcise him because he would be proud of the spawn’s potential to someday act in an au naturale Euro Cream feature, I shall just smirk and relish that we all have absurd dreams about the lives that our children will be allowed to choose when they are adults.

I’m also going to subject my baby, boy or girl, to vaccinations, again with the boob ready for comforting. Not everything that makes our offspring cry should be avoided. You know what would make the alien cry a lot more? Pertussis. Not fun for anybody, and a lot more dangerous that the vaccine that definitely doesn’t cause autism. Frankly, I will even enjoy the extra napping it does on vaccination day. That little trauma that zonks it out means an extra hour of relaxing, reading and sanity for me.

I will obsess over my little one’s safety and happiness and potential to achieve all things good and exciting. I will nurse it from my boobies if I can make it work. I will cater to its every whim when I have the presence of mind to do so, but all of the pressure-applying Attachment Parenting fans need to take a deep breath, stop proselytizing like crazed right wingers and recognize that parental sanity is good for children. The pressure to be constantly wholesome, crunchy and granola is just as bad as the pressure to constantly be wholesome, Christian and pure. The mental health of Daddy and Papa letting a full, warm, dry and safe peanut scream for fifteen minutes while they practice not killing or shaking each other is noble, not scoff-worthy. Informed circumcision, bottle feeding, sleep training, vaccinations and disposable diapers are not the devil. They are parents protecting the most loved miniature people in their lives the best that they can. Back up off this.

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